Karin Wildheart

Image: the view above the clouds

A series of reminders written during a pandemic winter.

You are not a mess

No one else sees you as the mess you think you are. Your inner life is not available to them. The dark thoughts or fears inside your own head don’t get broadcasted out to everyone.

They still just think of you as a former classmate, a rarely seen family member, a friend frozen in time (could pick up the friendship where it left off). The photo-worthy moments on your social media. Maybe they’re jealous of you, think your life looks fun, assume your relationships are deeper than their own. Unless you broadcast your negative thoughts, no one is the wiser.

Often when I read a post from someone who thinks she’s lost or a mess, my heart is moved with compassion and I feel an urge to befriend this person. I feel connection and kinship, not disgust.

People’s judgments of you are not about you

Remember, judging others comes from within the judger, not the… judgee. You cannot act in a way that will avoid judgment. Let me repeat that: You cannot alter yourself enough to keep from being judged.

People are judgmental because they have chosen not to cultivate mindfulness, empathy, consciousness, compassion. That’s all there is to it. There is nothing you can do to impart these qualities to anyone else. If and when they are ready, they will cultivate them, or they will not. Each of us has behaviors that we judge in ourselves, and often those overlap with the ones we judge in others. The more you accept yourself, the less you are bothered by others’ self-expression. The meaner someone is to you, the meaner you can bet they are to themself on the inside.

Also, before worrying about any of this, is there actual evidence anyone is judging you to begin with? People are busy with their own lives. Spending YOUR time and mental energy thinking about whether (or how) others may or may not be judging you is a terrible waste of your one wild and precious life. I would know. Choose to stop doing this and think about something else. If you feel stuck in it, I can help you.

If your mind feels trapped in loops, get off social media

The weather on the Internet is always frantic and urgent. There’s always a new outrage, a new piece of news. There will never be a shortage of people with an agenda for your eyeballs and attention and wallet.  Knowing that, how are you going to structure your time?

You have one life to live. Do you like feeling panicked? You can feel panicked whenever you want to (just scroll and read comments sections). And if you don’t like it, you control how you spend your free time and where you direct your gaze.

Remember the world is huge and beautiful

The world is so very large and amazing. It is not going to feel that way if your experience of it is always mediated through the Internet.

If you spend your time looking at small screens, you will not experience the enlivening expansion of actually being outside among the bright red cardinals; the funny, frantic squirrels; the cool breeze. If you sit on your couch, a hummingbird will not have the chance to buzz up to you and look at you quizzically from a few hovering angles before continuing on its way.

Right now, all over the world, there are bays and fjords surrounded by mountains: expansive vistas. There are beaches with fine light sand and waves pummeling rocks. Herds of caribou grazing on heights most of us couldn’t summit and may never see.

If you lived near them, would you take advantage? Would you go to the beach all the time and feel the sand under your feet? If you don’t go outside now, to visit parks, touch grass, or look up at the sky, it’s unlikely you would if you lived elsewhere. No need to idealize living overseas (or anywhere else) if you’re spending your life indoors anyway.

Take a higher perspective; go high enough and problems disappear

The sun shines above you. Cloudy day? Doesn’t change that.

Once, flying home. It was overcast as the plane took off, and I saw dense white fog outside my window for some time until we broke the cloud cover into what looked like heaven. The clouds were a white ocean punctured by a few mountains under a brilliant orange sun and colorful horizon. It is always sunny above you. Clouds don’t blot out the sun; they can only blot out your experience of it, and that, only temporarily.

It doesn’t feel like this is ever going to pass. I know. It feels like you had a chance, once, long ago, before everything got messed up, and that time is over. Too much has happened. You’ve strayed too far from your optimism and ideals. Something about you is ruined or broken or changed. You’ve done and said things you never thought you’d do and say, and you’re not proud of it.

But nothing can change your spirit but a change in stories. Nothing can break your soul except what you choose to give your energy to, your thoughts and your power.

Change your excuses, change your life

You’re full of excuses for why you’re not living the life you want. If you had no excuses, that dream life would already be here, or you’d be so convinced of its coming you wouldn’t miss it (Psst: learn about this–it’s stage 5).

Drop the need to tell stories about how it isn’t working. What if it is already working? What if you know deep down that it’s inevitable if you stop subtly fighting it?

Love yourself through your storms

What would it look like to pour love, compassion, and understanding on yourself? How can you love yourself through your cloudy days, your storms? Practically. What do you need? How can you give it to yourself, or ask someone else for help getting it? What support would change the trajectory of your life? For me, it was life coaching.

Storms eventually end. All seasons pass, good and bad. Love remains.

People want to be your friend

Remember: many people are looking for deep friendships and would be thrilled to spend time with you. You could meet one of them tomorrow. Maybe you already know them (anyone come to mind?)

The literal best next step you could take to make a new friend is to believe that people are out there looking and hoping for a friend just like you. You can go to every meetup in your community and still struggle to form connections if the whole time you’re telling yourself everyone else already has friends or no one would want to be close to you if they really knew you.

You are not a mess. At least, no more than anyone else. Call yourself a mess or a miracle; it’s just where you’re choosing to put your focus. The world needs you. We need that special something that only you have. We’ll wait until you’re ready, as long as it takes for you to come back. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you really need and want, and that day will come much sooner.

Photo by Zetong Li on Unsplash