Karin Wildheart

There is a lot of misunderstanding around the term “self-centered.” Ever heard “People are too self-centered these days!”? Many of us have demonized this word without really understanding what it means. As a result, a word like “selfish” can be used like a cattle prod against us, leaving us burning with shame and sprinting back into line when we do anything the name-caller didn’t like. Especially for women, (even more especially for women in religious settings — ask me how I know), “selfish” or “self-centered” is the very worst thing to be. Here’s why that is completely backwards:

Self-centering is not ignoring everyone else.

Self-centering is wrongly conflated with completely ignoring everyone else’s needs. But the term is “centering,” not “singular obsession.” Everyone else can still be around you, still in your world, still matter. What’s wrong with seeing them as surrounding you instead of displacing you from your own center? It’s literally the way we move through the world.

We are always in the middle of our own field of vision and bodily perception. Everything and everyone else seems to exist above or below, to the left, right, up, down, in front of, or behind us. Who would deny this? Yet when it comes to our experiences, perceptions, needs, emotions, and intuition, a term like “centering” inspires judgment and fear.

Self-centering is not narcissism.

“Self-centered” is often equated with “narcissistic.” This is a mistake. Narcissistic grandiosity and a narcissist’s total lack of empathy are not the result of their self-centering. Someone who is a narcissist or acting like one is ABSOLUTELY CONSUMED with others… others’ opinions of them. We call narcissism self-love and self-focus, but I see neither; it’s repressed self-loathing and a near-obsession with praise from others.

The prototypical image of narcissism is someone gazing at their own face in a reflective surface (based on the Greek myth of Narcissus). And yet… when Taylor Swift sings “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me… I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror” we all know that person we WISH would look in the mirror, because that would mean they were finally reflecting on their actions.

Narcissists aren’t in touch with their inner “self”, so they can’t center it. Instead they have a core of shame, so deep that they themselves are not conscious of it. Subconsciously, they warp themselves and their lives to hiding and denying this core shame so that it can never be discovered or accessed by anyone, not even by themselves. They are on an incessant quest to outwardly prove they’re good and impressive and superior to mask and make up for the chasm of inferiority within, not because they actually have their own backs. Think about it: is that how someone who actually feels positive about themself acts? Petty and reactive and utterly unable to admit the slightest fault?

Overly focusing on others’ perceptions serves two purposes for the narcissist. First, it is a distraction from the lack of any depth in their inner world such as self-reflection or sitting with what it feels like to be in their body. This is to avoid getting anywhere close to feeling the shame and pain that are buried deep within.

Secondly, a narcissist uses others to try to bolster the idea they want to believe themselves: that they really are amazing. Most things the narcissist does in the presence of others are about getting the other to react or see them in a certain way (ideally “impressed” or “in awe”). This is why a narcissist will never, ever (and I mean ever — if you know you know) admit fault. They’re too desperate for proof others admire them totally — their identity and self-concept depend on it. Someone who is secure in their identity can accept fault from time to time, maybe even laugh at their mistakes. It’s pretty clear a narcissist isn’t in that category.

Parker J. Palmer said this in his book Let Your Life Speak: “When we are insecure about our own identities, we create settings that deprive other people of their identities as a way of buttressing our own. This happens all the time in families, where parents who do not like themselves give their children low self-esteem.” We try to press others into service of what we aren’t doing for ourselves. To get them to meet the needs we don’t meet ourselves or won’t admit we have. The only way to avoid doing this to others is to meet the needs ourselves, which requires us to know and notice them, which — you guessed it — requires self-centering.

Then what is self-centering?

Self-centering is giving your own experience primary importance in your life. It requires acknowledging and attending to what it feels like to be you, including your desires and needs. The alternative to self-centering is prioritizing an external witness voice, which is to say stories about you and how you might be coming across. This applies the same way whether that witness is judging you or praising you.

It may sound simple, but you might be surprised how many people struggle to answer the question “What is that like for you?” without defaulting to stories and judgments about right/wrong, good/bad, should/shouldn’t.

Being overly afraid to seem or look a certain way (despite knowing your own pure intentions) is a sign you’re not healthily self-centered. So is a need to impress people or a drive to win approval from others. The ego is obsessed with how we are coming across instead of how it feels to be experiencing life as us. The ego runs on judgmental stories, competition, external standards, awards, attention, and recognition.

Being self-centered, in contrast, is entering into presence, sensation, curiosity, openness, and mindfulness. It’s feeling yourself breathe and noticing if your breath comes fast or slow instead of thinking, “Did I get enough done today? Is he mad at me? Am I a good person?” (“Enough” and “good” are external standards, not experiences. “He” is not you, so you don’t need to center or manage his emotions.). It’s deciding to go for a walk or take a nap or dance it out based on what your body is telling you.

Self-centering is a natural way of being, beginning in childhood, and it is a foundational part of emotional health. It is interconnected with empathy, which needs to be taught and understood in the context of both people having feelings and experiences that matter, not only the “other person.”

Self-centering is necessary for true empathy.

Empathy includes the meeting and mirroring of two experiences that have something in common. You can feel empathy when you have a sense of what the other person is going through.

Someone who is deeply disconnected from their own experience — their inner yes or no, their genuine feelings (not just “appropriate” or “expected” ones) — will not be able to be empathetic, because there will be no corresponding “part” or emotion within them to tap into to imagine what it might be like to be that other person. Without the capacity to empathize, they’ll only be able to condescend, shame, or try to override, shut up, “fix,” or distract the other person from their feelings. In other words, replicating how they were treated that made them so disconnected. Or they’ll “try to make them feel better.”

Yes, trying to make someone feel better, which most people consider benign, fits into this category. Trying to make someone feel better is done to relieve one’s own discomfort at seeing someone in pain. It’s not necessarily done for the benefit of the person who is hurting, though it pretends to be. Pain wants to be compassionately witnessed. Compassion means “to suffer with.” The person who is ignorant of or denies or rejects their own suffering will literally, logically be unable to suffer with others. They can’t offer genuine compassion or empathy.

The person who either isn’t aware of their true inner self or keeps trying to shove their self to the side will not be “in there” to connect with others, or they will be so (co)dependent on the other’s emotion that they will equate “making them okay” with being okay themself. If this is the case, whenever anyone else “isn’t okay,” their focus will be on changing that person, which isn’t a super effective use of time/energy, may be unwelcome, and may make things worse for the person they’re attempting to change.

Self-centering means stepping into our sovereignty instead of people-pleasing.

Telling a kid to “Make Grandma happy by kissing her” (and ignore their inner “no” to do so) is not teaching empathy. It teaches a child to ignore and override their inner desires. Enough of this, and they will lose contact with their inner experience and therefore lose the ability to relate to others deeply. It’s hard to relate effectively with others when you don’t have much of a relationship with yourself. And how can you have a relationship with yourself when your authentic reactions don’t matter to you or you actively reject them?

If a child is taught that it’s their responsibility and in their power to make Grandma happy (instead of that she’s a grown-ass woman and can handle her own emotions in response to a child’s choice, and that the child’s desires and bodily autonomy matter), it’s really not a stretch that the child will grow into an adult who thinks we all have the responsibility to change to make everyone else happy. And also that it’s fair to expect others to change to make us happy, too. Which is messy and confusing and weirdly contradictory. Ignoring our own emotions while trying to manage others’ creates all kinds of unpleasantness.

Remembering that it’s our own job to manage and soothe our own emotions is key to living in purposeful sovereignty instead of reactive and passive codependency. We can only do our job when we’re aware of our emotions, which can’t happen when all our focus is on everybody else. Kids (and all of us) need to know that we matter as much as anyone else and that others can handle their own emotions and that all of us are actually responsible for our own emotions, even when we are really really disappointed and wishing others would behave differently.

Credit to the book Everyday Narcissism by Nancy Van Dyken for elucidating some ideas in this section in a clear new way for me. Consider it more in-depth reading on an overlapping topic.

Self-centering allows for authentic connections (not false or superficial ones).

Self-centering also gets a bad rap in relationships. It’s true that some relationships fall apart as one party gets healthier, but self-centering doesn’t inherently disconnect us from others. Noticing and feeling our own experiences helps us flow and move through different emotions and situations without getting stuck in resistance and blocked from moving forward in life. To me, this agility and resilience is synonymous with a state of health. And to the extent that we are healthy, we have the capacity to care about and work to reduce the suffering of others — connecting is one of the deepest impulses of a healthy human.

The more fragile your sense of self is, the more it matters to you what everyone else is thinking or doing, and the more sensitive you are to perceived rejection. The more you have your own back, the less it hurts to be rejected or excluded, and the less you default to those assumptions when the situation is ambiguous. Those are real world skills that preserve relationships. Hurt feelings can make us avoid others, but perspective helps us treat others how we’d like to be treated, like giving the benefit of the doubt or at least approaching conversations calmly.

The more you “stay in your lane” and keep your focus on your own experiences and choices, the less control you’ll be trying to exert on those around you. The more you can handle others making their own choices, the healthier your relationships can be. To genuinely relate to another person involves making a report of what’s going on inside. If we spend all our time focused on what we think the other person should be (or is) doing or thinking, that’s more like controlling or managing, not relating. Let’s talk about a most tragic extreme of exerting control over others, and how self-centering is the antidote, not the disease.

What does this have to do with mass shooters?

This article’s working title was “We’d all be safer if mass shooters were more self-centered.” Though I still suspect that is true, it was admittedly a thought exercise. I’ve never asked a mass shooter what they were thinking at the worst moments, and I’m sure they’re all different. My limited understanding is filtered through media portrayals and others’ commentary. I may be off-base about shooters specifically (the media probably are too), but my points still apply to situations where people behave in an unthinkably cruel or harmful way toward others (we’ve already covered narcissists).

I don’t think shooters (mass or otherwise) are thinking about themselves when they’re discharging their guns on people. They aren’t thinking, “What’s it like to be me? I’m noticing a feeling of anger and frustration inside me. My body is tense and my heart is pounding.”

I think in their heads they’re all about “them.” “I’ll show them.” “Watch this!” “I’ll make them pay.” “They don’t understand me.” “I hate these $%#$&.” “How dare she leave me!?” “They left me out, who do they think they are?” “I’ll make them suffer for making me suffer.” “If I can’t be happy, she can’t be happy!” “Everyone in the world is going to know my name and what I’m capable of.” That is extremely other-focused. It is about getting others to behave or think a certain way rather than looking within. It is forcibly choosing someone else’s destiny, thrusting it upon them, instead of respecting their sovereignty and focusing on your own path.

A focus on “them” stands in opposition to self-centering self-reflection, which might look like: “Wow, my body feels really tense and activated. It makes sense I’m upset right now; anyone would be if they felt as excluded as I do. I’m going to go for a walk and get some fresh air and play with my dog and see if that helps my body calm down so I can think about making a plan for a social event soon.” “It is scary to keep having these violent thoughts. What support could I find to help me manage this?” “I’m going to care for myself so that I don’t try to put that responsibility on others.” “How can I compassionately meet myself in the rage and pain that are overflowing inside me right now? What do I need?”

I’m clearly oversimplifying, but my point stands. Seeing and validating one’s own experiences removes the desperate need (shared by shooters, narcissists, and sometimes the rest of us) for others to see and validate us. Meeting our own needs eliminates the desperation to “Make them ___(act/speak/believe a certain way)___ so I can be okay!” that drives people to unimaginable behaviors.

They’re needs, after all. We can’t live well without having them met. If you were choking to death, gasping for breath, you might do some very out-of-character and thoughtless things to get oxygen. Your flailing might hurt someone you love, even if you don’t mean to. How much better to just admit upfront that you need oxygen and make a plan for sourcing it for yourself whether others object or not.

I’m not saying forcing your kid to hug Grandpa is a pipeline to becoming a mass shooter, just that these codependent, low-key narcissistic ways of thinking aren’t completely unrelated and our relational patterns and expectations begin early in life. (Again, Everyday Narcissism by Nancy Van Dyken is a great depth read on this). We must balance our wants and needs with others’, and yes, as needed, prioritize our own.

Ignoring our own desires and inner drives isn’t a viable long-term solution. It’s not noble and it’s not healthy, no matter what we may have been told or modeled. When we refuse to take inventory of our needs and they go deeply unmet because we’re trying so hard to serve everyone else, we can’t help but resent others, and how loving is it really to cast them in a role and then dislike them for it?

Ignoring our needs and wants isn’t an effective choice because our desires and emotions don’t just go away when we try to stuff them down. They come back to us in other forms, especially health problems (When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate offers many detailed stories and studies of how this happens). We may try to get them met by others without their consent, perhaps without even realizing we’re doing this.

But isn’t it better to put others first?

Self-centering is a topic I used to misunderstand, mistrust, and criticize. I was convinced “it’s better to care for others instead of yourself.” I had this quote I liked about how if we all look out for everyone else instead of ourselves, we’ll all have billions of people watching our backs and helping us instead of just one. I hadn’t considered that any organization run by billions would quickly self-destruct, or that no one knows what I need better than I do. Not to mention it’s irritating, condescending, and counterproductive when other people presume they know what’s best for me more than I do.

Once I began practicing healthy self-centering, I saw that there doesn’t need to be an “instead.” Being your true self is a special medicine the world needs. In literal and practical terms, I have become far more effective at supporting, helping, and guiding others now that I’m not obsessed with others’ opinions of me. I have capacity to overlook comments that would have really offended me because I know that person’s opinion means more about them than about me, so I’m free to let it go. This saves an incredible amount of time and emotional pain, and, again, allows me to better serve and connect with others.

The benefits of healthy self-centering are many. Greater emotional resilience, deeper ability to empathize and authentically connect in relationships are some. Another is less time wasted wondering if you are a bad person or if others think you are or would think you were if you did that thing you thought about doing. When you’re centered in your own life, it opens the door to pursuing whatever passion or purpose draws you in (for most of us, this is ultimately a mission to help others). It frees you from the cage of wondering what everyone else thinks about you and taking no action at all for many years because you can’t please everyone and you can’t handle disappointing anyone.

Do you feel unable to shake a fear of others’ opinions? Trapped by unwillingness to disappoint people? Stuck in “shoulds”? I can help.

After working with me, my coaching clients experience freedom from the anxiety and “paralysis” that come of putting “what others might think” above your own desires. This simple shift has a profound ripple effect, saving you years of time, improving your relationships and job satisfaction, even changing the legacy you’ll leave behind when you die.

Are you okay letting your dream die inside you because you were unwilling to (possibly) temporarily appear foolish to someone else? Sounds cringe when it’s put so clearly, but billions of people are answering “yes” to that with their lives every single day. You don’t have to be one of them.

If you want to get started right meow, download my Step One Values Guide for the first (super simple, super powerful) step you can take to get in touch with what matters most to you and start reaping the benefits by tonight. For more support and/or deeper conversation, please reach out or comment — I’d love to hear from you!

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Photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash