Karin Wildheart

It’s common for people to preface their thoughts or emotions about a situation with “I know this is a small thing,” or “This isn’t a big deal,” I did this for many years, beginning my speech with disclaimers to the point of annoying others and frustrating even myself. It felt compulsive. Why do so many of us say this?

There are two likely options. Either someone repeatedly responded to our words with, “That’s not a big deal. That’s a small thing,” (unfortunately, I hear some parents say this to their kids) or we saw others saying these things about their own words, modeling this behavior to us.

Someone telling you your idea or feelings or situation isn’t a big deal is behaving in an emotionally immature way. Yep, even if it’s you saying it to you. Emotionally mature people don’t try to minimize or shut down others’ experiences. Emotionally immature people do because they take others’ experiences personally and may even feel threatened by them. If an emotionally mature person doesn’t have capacity to hear or talk about the idea/feelings/situation, they can decline to do so without calling it small or unimportant.

We don’t determine others’ priorities, which means we don’t actually know what is a big deal to them unless they tell us. Emphasis on “to them”: there is genuinely no such thing as an objectively big deal. The Olympics? I promise, some people don’t even realize they’re going on. Politics? I promise, some people don’t even realize they’re going on. News and current events? Studies show we are happier when we don’t follow too closely. Food? Not to the person who has plenty to eat every night. Big emotions? Some people are emotionally repressed and don’t even think they have big emotions, while on the other end of the scale we have tiny kids who literally can’t function when their big emotions come up. It’s all subjective, all relative.

In general, we can’t know what’s most important outside of long context. Some things that seem small change the course of one’s life, like quickly visiting a party “just to make an appearance” and meeting the love of your life there.

Since experience is subjective anyway, telling someone their experience isn’t a big deal seems like either: 1) an attempt to control them by imposing a preferred narrative on them, 2) challenging their self-trust, the part of them that directs their attention according to their own priorities, or 3) just an effort to shut them up. Again, this is an unskilled, immature approach that says nothing about the person sharing their experience and everything about the person claiming said experience doesn’t matter.

Emotions exist for a reason. The information in our emotions transcends the limitations of logic and linear thinking. What we value enough to talk about is an expression of self, a signpost pointing us towards an aligned life.

As for me, I realized I was saying my speech wasn’t a big deal because I had been trained to devalue my own perspective. I was pre-rejecting myself, beating my conversation partner to the punch so I wouldn’t have to hear them do it.

I was really saying, “I am a small thing. I am not a big deal,” because I was trained (by the emotionally immature people around me) that to speak or believe otherwise would open me up to criticism and show that I was arrogant or entitled. Thank goodness I don’t believe that anymore. I was so easy to control and manipulate when I did.

I rarely preface my language like this anymore. I’ve finally woken up to the fact that someone who would respond to anything I say with “that’s not a big deal,” is either not in a good place at the moment or just emotionally immature overall and not someone who would be a fit for close friendship with me.

Friendly reminder today that you matter, your voice matters, and you don’t have to evaluate yourself as either a big or a small deal — you just belong. The world is a better place when you take up space instead of apologizing for your existence (no matter how well-intentioned the apology). You’re a big deal to the people who love you. Your influence on the world is bigger than you know. It’s not arrogant to realize this; it’s just a fact. And no one can lead your life better than you can. There is no need to defer to outside opinions when you have everything you need inside of you to create a life that feels aligned for you.

If you find part of you believes you matter but another part of you feels like maybe everyone else matters a bit more, I can help. My 1:1 coaching helps you start openly living from your gifts and strengths instead of overly worrying what others think of you and apologizing for your opinions, desires, and needs.

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Photo by Inês Pimentel on Unsplash